right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
