does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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