New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
