The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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