doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
