My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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