im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We left the knife in your bed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
