i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
