All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
