Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
