i need an iv and a liver transplant
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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