im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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