Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
