she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
