I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
