Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
