dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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