Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
