Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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