Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
