my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
