That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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