You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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