When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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