then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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