He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
