It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
