I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
