I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
