Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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