So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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