thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
