So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
