I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
