Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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