I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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