So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
