I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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