come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
