Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
