Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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