totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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