Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
