i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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