She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
