i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
