Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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