i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
