News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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