My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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