a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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